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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Keeping it Real

One of the tough things about overcoming an eating disorder is learning to think differently. The longer one has an eating disorder the harder it is to separate from it. To be able to look at it for what it is, a way to cope with uncomfortable feelings you don't want to feel. When I first began my journey to wellness, I thought the hardest words I ever had to say were "I am obese." I've since learned the hardest words I've had to learn to say were "My obesity wasn't about the food, or my weight, it is about the feelings." Feelings I've tried all my life to not feel, at any cost.

Over the past month, I had to learn how to keep it real. What do I mean? I had to look for evidence that I was making progress towards my health and weight loss goals. I've watched the scale go back and forth with the same 2-3 lbs. It was driving me crazy. I let it drive me back into disordered thinking around food, my progress and my chances for success.

It helps that I am in therapy and am discussing this with a talented Jungian Analyst and that I have an awesome partner in life, my husband Scott.

On our daily morning walk yesterday I was telling him how frustrated I was, like he didn't know! He is a man of few words, at least less then me. He said, "You have to keep it real, Andrea. Look at all the things you've done so far."

1.) Lost 36 lbs
2.) Cleared your closet halfway out of clothes.
3.Lost four clothing sizes.
4.)Lost at least 2o inches.
5. Lowered by BMI by 8 points since its highest.
6. Lost 60 lbs since my heaviest weight.
7.) Got rid of Diabetes and the meds that go along with it.
8.)Achieved normal blood pressure, low even.
9.) Achieved the heart rate of an athlete.
10.Work out like an athlete
11. Completely changed your relationship with food.
12. You make good choices everyday for your health

And, I was controlled by the number on the scale! So, I am working on keeping it real and when self sabotaging feelings arise I am recognizing them and saying, "Oh yeah, I recognize you and you're not welcome here anymore! Get out!

I will slip and fall because I am only human, but my recovery time in between will be less.


Sunday, June 20, 2010

Learning Not to Self Sabotage

Since my last post I've been engaging in some self sabotage, which I do oh so well. I know myself well enough to know that when things aren't going well for me that I calm up, shut up and don't communicate.

This is how I learned to protect myself in my family of origin. Early communication patterns are hard to unlearn. They can sneak up on us, take control for awhile until we are ready to deal with them. For me, this manifests when I don't feel well because of the choices I am making.

At approach four months out from my gastric by pass I thought, I can have a little of this and a little of that, mainly by adding carbohydrates to my diet. This along with the fact I've been weight lifting and building muscle caused my weight to bounce up and down by four weeks. Part of it was my first plateau as well. It's hard to say what all the factors are, but I do know I need to get right back to basics and stay very disciplined, until my first year anniversary of surgery and beyond.

I am far too much of a perfectionist, I need to understand I will have slips here and there, but that each time I have to get up brush myself off and keep going.

Self sabotage is the opposite of self care. Practicing good self care without doubt is the hardest work of my life to really learn and embrace.