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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Proud of Myself Today

Winston Churchill said, "When you are going through hell, keep on going." For the most part, though there have been many positive moments, the last five years have been hell for me. It was during this time that to use the expression,, " All  my chickens came home to roost." Funny, because I am thinking of keeping chickens. Maybe that's why I thought of this expression.

Growing up I learned a lot of bad behaviors when it came to eating. I learned to eat all highly processed foods and didn't know anything about good food, or what my parents would have called "hippee food." I also was under a tremendous amount of stress watching my mother suffer from the consequences of diabetes, poor choices in self care, which I learned to replicate and am struggling to overcome. It is two steps forward and six steps backward and then I fight and claw my way back up the hill.

In addition to not learning about food, I learned very little about money management because in my family of origin it was assumed I'd get married and my husband would handle all that. As a result, I didn't learn to be frugal, save money or to live within  my means, and my relationship with food was really no different. I wasted food, whenever you throw away food because it went bad do to lack of planning you are throwing away money. I very rarely planned my meals now I do.

I'm learning to live within my means both in terms of budgets and caloric needs. I am also learning to enjoy red wine responsibly. I like white, but if I am going to expend the calories, I want the antioxidants. For awhile after my gastric bypass, it was a real struggle to re-incorporate it into  my diet. On some level, I wish I had taken my teams advice to not have any alcohol for a year after surgery. But, because I'm recovering from an eating disorder I didn't want to say there were foods or substances I couldn't have because that black and white, dualist thinking around food caused me a  lot of personal pain over the years. I had to learn how alcohol effected me differently and how to have it at a reasonable level without the after effects and feeling like crap the next day. I am happy to say that this has been my strongest week in the last nine months where I've balanced this really well. This week has been a giant step forward and I am feeling good about it.

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